Ten Tips for the Dead Supernatural

Posted: July 2, 2012 by Deborah Riley-Magnus in Gabriel's Rants
Tags: , , , , ,

Damn technology! I can’t remember my password here at WordPress, so I’ve had my maker, Deborah Riley-Magnus, author of the Twice-Baked Vampire Series post for me. Trust me, it took all my patience and tolerance to convince her to post this exactly how I wrote it. Writers. Sheesh.

Okay, I’ve been walking around this place – this strange warehouse where dead supernaturals spend their purgatory – and wondering, why me? Why them? What makes us so special that we’d get another run at the Pearly Gates? No matter how hard I think about it, I still come up with … nothin’. As far as I can see there’s nothing special about me and definitely nothing special about all the other dead supernatural creatures living in the West Hollywood warehouse holding tank with me. I think the Big Kahuna spins a roulette wheel and it’s all nothing but luck.

Of course, there’s that other thought in my head – the one that’s afraid I might have actually made it into heaven in the first place if I tried a little harder. I have this sinking feeling that this time around, it’s going to be even tougher. Yeah, I’m scared, pretty sure that before God spun the wheel, I was heading straight to hell which is pretty much like I expected anyway. Vampires mean hell, right?

So, if you’re a supernatural who has bitten the dust and found yourself facing one last chance for redemption, I have a few tips for you. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Dead is supposed to be dead and second chances were never free in life, but just in case … just so you’re ready …


A really important thing to do once you realize you’ve gotten a second chance at heaven is to … REMEMBER. A good rule of thumb – most things you did in your supernatural life are no-nos in your purgatory life. Being dead, there are a ton of things you can’t do anymore. For example, werewolves and shape-shifters can’t change form anymore, vampires can’t drink blood and hide in the dark anymore, pixies have had their wings clipped and the fae are pretty much powerless against the demons (their own or the real ones floating around the universe). You’ll discover early that some of your internal instincts are still there, but the test is all about how you use them. Knowing you’re being watched all the time by, well, you know, the guy upstairs, means that everything you do from now on counts for or against you. Earning brownie points is pretty much based on how you think before you act, your ability to consider the consequences to those around you – human, supernatural or dead supernaturals – and the choices you make for good over not-so good. What used to be fun is now something to think hard about before rolling with it. Remember how you lived, put it into this all new context and try like hell to do it better this time around. I’m not positive, but my guess is that there isn’t going to be another shot at the Pearly Gates after this one.


Most supernaturals, especially vampires, have pretty volatile tempers. We’re so used to having it our way, getting our way and getting anything we don’t care about out of our way, that we’ve become naturals at using rage to meet our goals. Don’t expect it to get you anywhere but to hell quickly now that you’re in the purgatory system. Seriously … leave it in the past life. Controlling supernatural temper is tougher than you think. Someone here in the holding tank once suggested I take anger management classes at the Learning Annex. I didn’t and trust me, it took a while to get this issue under control. Don’t fight it, just let it go.


This one’s about timing and most of us break this rule. Having a loving relationship out there in the world with a human is going to happen. After all, we want what we want and need what we need, right? The problem with falling is love has to do with your current situation – that of a dead supernatural who may end up taking the elevator UP or DOWN at any moment, or sticking around for centuries. How do you explain never aging? The fact that you can never have children or make plans for next weekend? The best advice I received about dead supernatural/human relationships is this … go ahead, have some fun, enjoy the relationship then cut it off before it gets too deep. Did I follow that advice? None of your damn business.


This too has to do with timing. Remember the polka lyrics, “In Heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here.” Need I say more? There are a few rules about waiting until you’re acclimated to your new environment and phusical limitations before swilling the Stella Artois, but when you’re ready, by all means, enjoy!


This means inside your purgatory holding tank and most certainly, outside. It’s no fun for a Tank Manager to have to go bail you out of jail or break you out of the nut house. It’s never good to keep getting fired from your job just to have to go out and find another one. Starting trouble or joining in where trouble is running amuck is counterproductive for a couple of reasons. First, it’s a black mark in your bad column and second, it brings attention to you and that, my dear dead supernatural, is a really, really bad thing.


The fae have never reached out and lent a hand to a human in need. Vampires take advantages of humans in a bad situation and pixies like to play with confused people until they snap and aren’t fun anymore. This is no longer productive or acceptable according to the unwritten but oh-so-strict Dead & Double-Dead Supernaturals Rule Book. Chuck your “too cool for school” attitude and help that old lady across Hollywood Boulevard. Give directions when someone asks and make sure they’re the right directions. Help your fellow dead supernatural through a tough patch. Do something good … on purpose. What a concept!


Okay, bad shit happens every day and sometimes we’ll be right there and fall into the frenzy. Rather than give a smug grin and walking off, step up, take some responsibility for the mess and make things right.  It will make you feel better and add to your good deeds column. Most dead supernaturals never do this, but as hard and against your nature as it might seem, it’s worth a try.


NEVER LIE. Not to your purgatory tank manager, not to your human friends or lover, not to your dead supernatural tank mates and never to yourself. The more reality we learn to swallow, the better things will get. At least that’s what they tell me.



This one’s a really hard thing for a dead supernatural to swallow, especially double-dead vampires who are the least likely to have ever imagined there’d be a second chance at redemption. The illusion of immortality has seriously messed with our heads and while we lived, it never crossed our minds not to control everything around us. Why not? Who cared and who was going to stop us? No consequences, right? That’s definitely wrong thinking you’ll do well to toss out the window and fast. We control our own decisions, our choices, our day-to-day life, whether we’re happy with our progress or pissed off all the time. We control who we sleep with and who we don’t care to spend time around. We control ourselves and no one or nothing else around us. The sooner we accept that, the easier it gets. I know, I know, it kinda sucks at first but you’ll get used to it.


This IS a secret. Living supernaturals can never know about this, about us, or where we’re living. Humans hardly believe we exist alive, much less walking around already dead and working in the cubicle right next to them. This is the reason the Big Kahuna made us more human than supernatural during our purgatory time – so that we can blend in and work solely on our own souls, our own choices and our own path. Trust me, if the living supernatural world or the human world had a clue, all hell would break loose. We’d all be in danger (don’t forget, being more human means getting hurt hurts a whole lot more!). And if one of us causes that kind of disaster, there’s no telling if any supernatural will EVER get another chance again. Opening your mouth can put you in the loony bin, and my bet is that sooner than later, you’ll wake up in hell. There’s no beer there either, so KEEP THE SECRET!

That’s it. Sorry you’re dead, but maybe these ten tips will help you get some redemption.

Cold in California, COMING SOON!

  1. Domainer says:

    That’s a great article and it makes a lot of sense 🙂 It would be nice if everyone ‘kept the secret’. I am familiar with some who deliberately flaunt what they are.

    Great piece though, pleasure to read.

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