Don’t Crowd Me!

Posted: August 4, 2011 by Deborah Riley-Magnus in Gabriel's Rants
Tags: , , ,

Twice-baked and working my way to … ah-hem … heaven is a tough gig. I was a loner. Even when I was human I wasn’t a big one for company and conversation. When I had no choice but to do vampire stuff for eighty years, being sociable sure as hell wasn’t my strong suit. And now, being double dead, it seems I can’t get alone if my life after life after twice-baked life depended on it.

There, see how complicated this is? In 1931, someone back in Indiana once told me “The apples are ripe when the apples are ripe.” I kinda thought I’d rotted on the vine long ago, now I’m suddenly sitting in the sun waiting to be picked. Is this gonna be like kids waiting to get chosen for a sandlot game? Am I gonna get left for last, or worse yet – left without a position at all? I can play left field! Honest! That’s exactly what this second chance to earn a ticket through the Pearly Gates feels like.

Everything is a challenge! Yeah, yeah, I get that I need to behave, do the right thing, maybe even do some do-gooding but seriously, can’t I be left alone to do it? I feel seriously crowded.

You know I live in a warehouse in West Hollywood with other dead supernatural creatures, right? It’s not the only warehouse holding strangos like us either. I thought maybe you’d like to know a little more about those odd looking people hanging out around that ugly old warehouse down the street. Look harmless, do we? Well, we we’re all bad, and I mean bad to the bone. We were bad when we were alive (or in my case, vampire alive) and we’re worse now. Why? Because it just isn’t our nature not to be. I think I mentioned my warehouse mates before. Let me tell you about my associates.

Take Stick Man. This poor dude was bad because he was kinda dumb. Way back who-knows-when, when he lived as an ancient Native American creature, his job was to save good people and lead the bad ones to a cliff. He did this by whistling. Whistle one melody, the good folks would find their way home. Whistle the other melody and it’s adios, Wiley Coyote style Was it Sticky’s fault he couldn’t whistle so good? Oh he can now but we’re talking hundreds of years of practice. Back then when it really mattered, he always seemed to whistle the wrong tune. Badly.

Now he’s here. In this warehouse. Taking up a LOT of space. This dude is almost 12 feet tall! He’s been trying to get into heaven for like ever. Seems like a nice enough guy to me and he’s still here! Taking up space. Wanting to chat and socialize and share his granola. If he’s still here after all this time being so good and well behaved and all, what hopes do I have of getting out of this place anytime soon?

Sticky’s not the only talker, either!  Next time I’ll tell you about a demised werewolf who can’t keep his nose out of my business!

Can’t a double-dead vampire get any peace around here?

*crunch* *crunch* Damn good granola!

Cold in California, COMING SOON!

Cold in California cover, lg





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